What are our deepest desires in relationship? I believe these 6 qualities are what we most yearn for: Presence, understanding, appreciation, play, vision and romance. When we nurture and sprinkle these qualities into day to day living, relationships thrive.
Connection and Desire
The feeling of being cherished with unconditional regard and connection is a deep need. This is built upon a strong foundation of trust,commitment, shared values and faith. The sentiment goes something like this-“Of all the people in the world, I choose to be with you”
I hear from couples over and over, “I truly want you to just be there, not to advice or fix…simply be there for me. ” We long to be seen with loving presence, without distraction or judgment. We know that to fully “show up” requires vulnerability and courage as Brene’ Brown so eloquently shares. Sue Johnson in her work in attachment with couples states:
This is a wonderful video illustrating the beauty of connection.
To understand one’s perspective clearly requires full attention and openness -…calm, loving, patience can go a long way in truly feeling seen and heard. Reflection, validation and empathy are essential. Here’s what Dr. Harville Hendrix shares about true dialogue. Imago Dialogue Honesty, authenticity and differentiation are so important. The “space in togetherness” can create curiosity, wonder and clarity.
When two people, dedicated to self leadership and care come together, the expectation to have the other complete them is diminished. Instead, the fullness of the “other” can be seen and respected.
“There’s nothing more intimate in life than simply being understood. And understanding someone else.”
Brad Meltzer, The Inner Circle
Appreciation and Positive Regard
We know that daily expressions of kindness in word, quality time, sharing of affection, small tokens and gifts and acts of service are required to nurture relationships, thanks to the work of Dr. Gary Chapman .5 expressions to every one complaint is required to have a positive sentiment in a thriving relationship. The 5-1 Ratio We can contribute greater openness, benefit of the doubt, positive attribution and ability to manage conflict by filling our emotional bank. Many thanks to the research contributed and wealth of wisdom from Drs. John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Institute.
Laughter and Play
We know that play is essential to our creativity and ease of stress. Laughter truly is the best medicine. Keeping love and zest alive for couples is critical to prevent loneliness and boredom. Take turns choosing what to do or where to go. Plan small, simple adventures as well as times to truly “unplug”. Having play and leisure with common interests will keep love alive.
Intimacy and Romance
While friendship is the hallmark of mature relationships, romance creates mystery and intrigue. Intimacy can be expressed through intellectual pursuits as well as through physical, emotional and spiritual connection.
Put a little romance into everyday and a date night once a week. Here is a site with ideas..100 Romantic Ideas
Dreams and Vision
What is the current vision for your relationship? Keeping our dreams, small and large for ourselves and our relationships is critical to our health. It creates excitement, possibility and well-being. Create short term, one to five year visions and dreams with pictures on a collaborative vision board or dream box.It is amazing what can be achieved when you allow the imagination to soar!